


It's Quiet Uptown

by Woaaah



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Character Death, F/F, One Shot, kinda sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-20
Updated: 2016-10-20
Packaged: 2018-08-23 16:21:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8334265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Woaaah/pseuds/Woaaah
Summary: There are moments that the words don't reach
  
  There is suffering too terrible to name
  
  You hold your child as tight as you can
  
  And push away the unimaginable
It's time.She stares at her oldest son. Ignores the lump in her throat.By the way his eyes settle against hers she can tell he knows.Or, It's Quiet Uptown from the Hamilton musical is epically sad and I had some feelings about it.





	

_There are moments that the words don't reach_  
_There is suffering too terrible to name_  
_You hold your child as tight as you can_  
_And push away the unimaginable_

It's time.

She stares at her oldest son. 

Ignores the lump in her throat.

By the way his eyes settle against hers she can tell he knows.

It's one of the few moments that the storm of relatives, friends and nurses seem to disappear, thanks in part to his request to have a private moment with his brunette mother.

Moving from what has been her post, away from sad eyes and burning blue glares, she lowers the guardrail, settling down on the bed. 

His once strawberry hair no longer exists, replaced by veins that protrude violently from his pale skin.

She grabs a hand that he feebly extends, trying to ignore the bone barely held together by skin.

"You know," Her voice cracks from both misuse and silence, "I remember when your mom and I got you. You were so small, so perfect, I remember thinking, I wonder how I'm gonna mess this up. And then, you grew, and you kept growing," the pressure on her chest speeds her breathing, hurries her words, "And when you went to college, your mom cried for days. I mean, just bawling, scared Jake and Alicia-"

He cuts her off softly, but she doesn't miss the fear that he's tried to hide from everyone else, "Mom." A pause, slow blink where her eyes water at the thought of them not opening again. "I'm tired." He confesses, no longer holding onto the bravado of a 19 year old boy.

Losing all pretense of following protocol she lays down, placing her head on the pillow and opening her arms, maneuvering him into them.

His body moves like a piece of paper, one arm wraps around him with ease while the other supports his head against her chest like she did when he was a child.

"I know nomfa, it's okay." She shushes, pressing her cheek into his head, closing her eyes and breathing in everything that is Aden Woods.

Even if now that only means hospital.

He's been holding on, well past the six months that were given to him. He's trying to hold on, for them.

"You can go, you've been so strong but it's okay." A shaky breath, "We'll be okay."

"Okay."

For a while they simply lay there, and time freezes.

Then the machines start to beep widely and nurse that's been lingering outside, briefed weeks ago on the DNR, silently comes in and shuts them off, and turns to go get a doctor.

Her chest collapses, raggedly letting go of the breath she's been holding since they got the diagnoses. Clutching him tighter than before, silently shaking as tears stream down her face.

\-----

_The moments when you're in so deep  
It feels easier to just swim down_

The funeral is a larger affair than she would like. But no larger than she expects.

His uncles and cousins hoist him on strong shoulders under the cloudy sky.

Lexa squeezes her wife's hand, the first time since he passed that she's allowed her touch, comforts her youngest son, and with the little strength she has left, gives an eulogy that Aden had forced them to work on together. 

When the priest she objected to is done, the flowers have been laid, and everyone stands to head to her house, she's the last person hovering over the casket as it's lowered.

Not sensing the normal presence behind her, an arm around her two remaining children's shoulders, causes Clarke to look back as they approach the car.

She's glad she does.

With barely a look, Bellamy steps forward to take her place.

But she doesn't go near her wife.

She collapses on the last row of chairs as the cars pull away, watching her wife take a shovel from the grounds man and scoop one shovel full after another into the hole.

They're there until the sun sets.

\-----

_The Woods move uptown  
And learn to live with the unimaginable_

Polis has too many memories.

The kids can't go to school without coming home in tears at another condolence or story by someone who knew their brother.

Going out only draws attention, that crawls at Lexa's skin.

Clarke won't even step foot in the hospital.

And the home... becomes a house. Filled with too many old memories and not enough new ones.

So she packs them up, ignoring all the worried protests, sticks a sign in the yard, and drives a moving truck an hour out of the city.

Back to her hometown.

\-----

 _"I spend hours in the garden_  
_I walk alone to the store_  
_And it's quiet uptown_  
_I never liked the quiet before_  
_I take the children to church on Sunday_  
_A sign of the cross at the door_  
_And I pray_  
_That never used to happen before"_

The new, or old, house has one less room and far less space.

Clarke alternates between glaring at and ignoring her, coddling the kids, and staying cooped up in the house.

Shuttle the kids off to school, go to work, walk to the grocery store, come back to a silent house, eat dinner at a tense table, prepare the couch, toss and turn, walk around town in the darkness. Repeat.

"Mama? Do you have a minute?"

Lexa glances up from the case brief, removing her glasses with a smile as her daughter pokes her head around the corner into the living room, "For you? Always."

Alicia shuffles over, face withdrawn, pulling at her long sleeve as she makes her way before sitting next to her mother. The thirteen year old, all legs, pulls them up under her and Lexa takes the hint, wrapping her arms around her youngest as she leans into her. "How come we don't go to church anymore?"

Well. She didn't expect that. "Well, your mom and I.... with the move and everything-"

"Because of Aden?" She doesn't see, but hears the tremble of lips, whispering the name that has all but become taboo.

Instead of immediately answering she closes her eyes and runs a hand through long blonde hair.

"How about tomorrow, you, your brother and I go checkout the one I went to when I was younger?"

"Not mom?"

"Probably not sweetie."

\-----

 _If you see her in the street, walking by herself_  
_Talking to herself, have pity_  
_"Aden you would like it uptown_  
_It's quiet uptown"_  
_She is working through the unimaginable_  
_Her hair has gone grey, she passes every day_  
_They say she walks the length of the city_

Weeks go by with little, but positive, change.

Jake and Alicia make friends, spend time with their grandparents and cousins, and the house is filled with laughter again. 

Mostly.

Clarke begins to move around the house, interact with the kids, randomly run errands here and there.

She no longer looks at her with rage, but doesn't speak unless it's necessary, with a clipped tone.

On one of her midnight walks her feet lead her to the garden in the back of her childhood home.

It's quiet, the stars are more visible outside the city. Her mind goes straight to the bond over astrology Bellamy shared with his godson.

"You would love it out here Ade." 

And not for the first time she sobs in the only place she can, unaware of her audience.

Indra sighs, hand going to push open the screen door when another wraps around it. Jumping she looks back at her husband who with a shake of his head stops her.

Sometimes, people need a moment.

\-----

 _"Look at where we are_  
_Look at where we started_  
_I know I don't deserve you Clarke_  
_But hear me out, that would be enough_  
_If I could spare his life_  
_If I could trade his life for mine_  
_He'd be standing here right now_  
_And you would smile, and that would be enough_  
_I don't pretend to know_  
_The challenges were facing_  
_I know there's no replacing what we've lost_  
_And you need time_  
_But I'm not afraid_  
_I know who I married_  
_Just let me stay here_ by your side  
_That would be enough"_

It feels like her head has just hit the pillow when a thousand pins wakes her. She springs up on the couch, gasping and wiping the water out of her eyes.

"Wake up!"

Clarke throws the glass in her hand to the side, ignoring how it shatters against the wall.

"Jesus!" Lexa looks up into red eyes and blown pupils, shaking her head, "You're drunk."

"Who is she?"

"What?"

"The woman you've been sneaking out to see every night! Who is she?" Clarke seethes.

Lexa rises, going over to pick up the broken glass, "I'm not doing this with you."

"So you are seeing someone."

"I never said that." She mumbles, intent on the task at hand instead of furious blue eyes. "Look, I'm not seeing anyone."

Clarke scoffs, "So you just leave the house when it's pitch black for fun?"

"I honestly didn't think you noticed," With a huff Lexa stands, cradling the glass and carrying it into the kitchen, hearing the sound of hurried footsteps behind her.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean!"

"Exactly what I said." Lexa rolls her eyes, passing her wife with a brush of shoulders and going in search of a change of clothes, "It's late and I have work in the morning so let's just go to sleep."

Pulling on a hoodie as she enters the living room she's surprised to see the blonde sitting on the couch, "Clarke..."

"Do you even miss him?" She croaks. 

Oh.

The adrenaline caused by the cup of cold water and subsequent argument, has worn off and the weariness of the last few months settles back into her body with a vengeance. She aims to sit but instead collapses in the seat next to Clarke.

"You... you don't cry, you don't complain, you just.. go about your day like nothing's happened." Clarke's mouth wobbles and Lexa's tempted to reach out a comforting hand but stops herself, studying her wife's side profile, unsure of how welcomed it would be, "I can't even get out of bed some days without feeling like the world is falling apart around me and all I can do is watch. The idea of even stepping into a hospital fills me with- with, fear. And you," Clarke bites her lip, "You knew months before I did that he was sick, and you didn't even tell me-"

"Clarke-"

"And you're fine." She finally rolled her head to the side to make eye contact with the brunette, "How are you fine?"

She sits for a moment. Thinking of the words she's been trying to keep hidden. Trying to keep away from everyone else and be strong.

"I'm not. And I would give anything for him to be here, anything. Cause to see you smile again..." She smiles weakly, "But we can't change that, no matter how much we both- all, want to. So we just need to keep our heads above water, because Aden would want that.

"And if you need time, that's okay, and I don't know how much more space I can give you but if you need more tell me, my parents are right down the street, but.. this," she lifts her hands, looking around the room, "I'm not going anywhere. Because, I need you guys. And I can't do this without you."

Clarke responds with a shake of her head, and a honest to God smile, "I don't need any more space okay? Maybe time, because Jesus Lexa, you should've told me, but no more space." 

\-----

 _If you see her in the street, walking by her side_  
_Talking by her side, have pity_  
_"Clarke do you like it uptown, it's quiet uptown"_  
_She is trying to do the unimaginable_  
_See them walking in the park, long after dark_  
_Taking in the sights of the city_  
_"Look around, look around, Clarke"_  
_They are trying to do the unimaginable_  
_There are moments that the words don't reach_  
_There is grace too powerful to name_  
_We push away what we can never understand_  
_We push away the unimaginable_  
_They are standing in the garden_  
_Lexa by Clarke's side_  
_She takes her hand_  
_"It's quiet uptown"_

She cuts down on her walks, sometimes sleeps in her own room, and participates in loud family meals, sharing secretive smiles with her wife across the table as Alicia and Jake bicker.

Clarke accompanies them to church.

Then a year goes by and she finds herself venturing back into her parents garden after a long memorial.

What surprises her isn't the new white roses her father has planted, but the blonde leaning over them.

Grinning she makes her way over, "I can see you found my little slice of heaven."

Clarke turns towards her but doesn't say anything, simply reaching out to tangle the fingers and press their bodies together, tilting her head back.

Entranced by long blonde hair floating in the night breeze, Lexa almost misses the words that fondly escape her wife's mouth.

"Aden would've liked it here."

Her heart flutters, "Yea?"

Clarke nods, leaning in to offer the briefest of kisses before resting their forehead against one another.

"Yea.

"It's quiet out here."

 _Forgiveness, can you imagine?_  
_Forgiveness, can you imagine?_  
_If you see her in the street, walking by her side_  
_Talking by her side, have pity_  
_They are going through the unimaginable_

**Author's Note:**

> First one shot, and first time writing in present tense, please let me know what you think!


End file.
